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Ace-Hoel, Attorney At Law.  Based on true events.  How shysters operate in the big city.  You've never read anything like this before.

"Rear-Ended? Ace Hoel Is Behind You." Highway billboard for Ace's law practice.

Inspired by a mostly true story, Ace Hoel, Attorney At Law, is a book about not so lovable shysters who appear in a series of extortion letters I received at my Chicago area chiropractic office. And there are plenty of shysters to go around. The main character is not Ace Hoel, it's Killer Katz, who was affectionately known to his friends as Scambo. Killer didn't know what he wanted to be when he grew up. He was a bookie, drug dealer, gambler, and in this book, the main shyster. To borrow an old saying, Killer would steal flies from a blind spider.

The title character, Ace Hoel, alias Rumpled Foreskin, fancied himself as the smartest shyster. Even though Ace Hoel is a supporting character, this book is titled after him because he was the most fun to irritate. Ace Hoel also lived up to his name. Attorney Hoel is the jerk at a kid's lemonade stand who pops their balloon with his cigar because they wouldn't give him a free cookie after he so generously paid twenty-five cents for a large drink. Before he was a lawyer, Ace was a mohel, or one who circumcises Jewish baby boys. His disheveled appearance while performing circumcisions earned him the name Rumpled Foreskin. Ace was indeed the stereotypical shyster lawyer. But he didn't have to be. In fact, as a litigator he wasn't half bad. He once successfully defended a gynecologist who lost his medical license after becoming deaf. Ace convinced the medical board to reinstate the doctor's license after he proved his client could read lips.

As you read this book, you'll be introduced to a number of other misfits. The Shank: Killer's scar-faced henchman, or hitman, whichever you prefer, who spent 20 years in jail for murder and who once drank a bottle of drain cleaner to impress his girlfriend. I did my best to avoid him. Hero Shapiro: Killer's ex best friend whom he also tried to extort. Hero got his name for saving a beautiful Las Vegas showgirl's life by giving her mouth-to-mouth for forty minutes. Ragman The Bagman: Killer's errand boy and one of Hero's sons. Barry The Barrister: Hero's son, the lawyer, whom Killer wanted to hire for free. Twoja Pochwa: The easily offended squat Polish nun who worked at the hospital and whose name translates as "Your Vagina". The Extractor: The inept dentist who owned the medical building where I worked, and who used a four dollar pair of hardware store pliers to pull teeth instead of trying to fix them, which he couldn't. Pinky Picasso: The Extractor's hitman. They called him Picasso because if you didn't do what he wanted, he'd rearrange your face. The Amputator: He was the foot doctor who was quick to cut off your toes since he couldn't cure a damn thing. Good thing he wasn't a urologist. Peter The Cheater: An old European doctor with a thick Peter Lorre accent who accepted bribes in exchange for handicap parking stickers. Charlie Chop: The 5 foot 2 Chinese acupuncturist and karate expert who was the unofficial bouncer of the medical clinic. Mickey Melon: A dodgy, cocaine snorting chiropractor who also tried to extort me. Agent Coccydynia, (Latin for "pain in the ass"), and Agent Microphallus, (Greek for "small dick"): Both were FBI men who were after me because I showed them great disrespect. Dawson: The young investigator who had the hots for Cindy, my receptionist. Cindy couldn't stand him. Gordy Goldstein, me: I'm Killer's chiropractor and the recipient of his extortion letters he sent from jail. I absolutely loved infuriating Killer and his "associates." I'm also the most investigated chiropractor in the United States who is still licensed.

I hope you enjoy this little book. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. Surprise ending!

All the best,

Dr. Gordy Goldstein, D.C.